Swimming last week in the murky waters of mechanical rights, and royalties, I began to lose sight of the meaning of all of this. But today, as I was practicing and some of the chords of this magnificent Zarabande fell into place, and this piece that I have never heard before, and is, in fact out of print, and forgotten, came alive from the page under my finger tips, I remembered.

Suddenly I knew I had to call that publisher one more time, twenty more times if needed to get the recording rights. Because, somewhere, about 100 years ago, a Spanish composer penned a short but breathtaking movement for unaccompanied cello, with an eloquent and graceful nod to Bach, but chordal harmonies with Flamenco guitar dissonance and color.

It is amazing to me how powerful music is at capturing our imagination. When I roll the chords, and feel the vibration of the sevenths, I can almost feel the pain of love lost in Madrid, wandering the cobblestone streets looking for that person who shared that timeless moment of embrace.

There are so many layers to “classical music”. It is a vivid and complex art. This dance form, the Sarabande or Zarabande,, reaches far back into time and cuts across cultures. So here I am, an American woman, in 2010, feeling the slow 1,2,3 that people in Spain danced hundreds of years ago. People fell in love to this dance, gossiped and perhaps died to these poignant strains. Thank-you quiet soldier of history, and all other composers who have the courage to straddle that delicate balance between tradition and invention, connecting the past and the future to create a no longer forgotten gem.

So it is officially nine months more or less until my CD release. This truly being my music baby, I have decided to continue on this analogy of being pregnant. Of course, I know what you mothers out there may be thinking, and I apologize in advance if I offend. But I believe that as women we express our creativity in an interesting way in everything that we commit our lives to, whether it be a human baby or a music baby.

So, as I did for my Asia trip, I would like to share my experience of this process of producing a CD, and am now committing to writing in my blog several times per week. My husband thinks that pictures would make the whole think much better. So I will do my best to find something visually interesting to post.

My husband and I watched Julie and Julia last night, and it was inspiring-because cooking and writing are two of my favorite hobbies!

Although  I do feel like I am making creative faces in the mirror sometimes, so if you have thoughts, please share them.

Well, thats it for now.

I had many people warn be about being a musician. It seems that even my first cello lessons came with this clause, “don’t do what I am doing for a living, you will regret it”. And so I continued with warning after warning following this deep conviction that cello has to be a major part of my life. And that, my friends is how an artist is created. By ignoring all the conventions and warnings of society and doing what our creative self desires, that is an artist. Built into this is the unspoken dictate that “To thine own self be true” no matter what, is part of our job.

Perhaps the artists role in society is to stay connected to that soul, that so many other in their acceptance of what society deems important, and rewards them for, have forgotten or buried. And then the real rub is we are here carrying these forgotten gems, carrying them for the enrichment of the culture and sometimes without any real gratitude or financial reward.

Then people turn around and think the artists is some kind of selfish, idealistic creature for wanting to “do what they love” for a living.

As if we had any choice. As if this urge to create were any less powerful than the urge to procreate or survive.

And so this tender gift of creation, music, art, song, dance, poetry that flows out from some deep place is not only some enviable talent that gives us artists a life”doing what we love” but also an infant screaming to be fed, bathed, held, loved and nurtured. And without the support a new mother hopefully usually receives. It isn’t as if we flow around in silken robes painting in some half trance state while the world throws us money. Well, most of us, that is. The hard work of the business end of art is relentless. After 10,000 minimum that it takes to master an instrument, it takes 10,000 hours more to even begin to create a career.

If only I could throw a baby shower. Invite all my friends and family and get gifts. People could hand down their used music, like baby clothes, pass on advice about the first few years.
I look at my female friends who have had children. I envy how easy they gather support. And when the baby comes, everyone oooohs and ahhhhs and everyone wants to hold him/her.

What if these woman has to fund raise to pay for their hospital bills. What if they had to first convince everyone that yes, having a baby is a good thing, a valuable thing. What if they had to work at helping people understand their baby, why they felt they needed to have it, why they felt the urge to bring this being into existence?

If I am a young mother with my music, than I am a ghetto mother. Fighting for the very survival of what I cherish, against all odds, and without the over all support of a culture. How can I change this? How can I gather support around me? How can I not be at odds with a culture that places such a low value on my baby? And how can I not be bitter when all I have know is hard work with little reward? How can I stay open and connected to beauty, when the challenges of my profession require such strength, courage and hardness?
It is no wonder that the drop out rate is so high in my profession. And the rate even higher for those who have survived but have lost their soul in the process, become nasty, mean and competitive pimps and whores, territorial and bitter. And then that is the legacy we pass on to the next generation.

I vow to do everything in my power to stay centered in my passion and love as I move forward. I am grateful for the support I have been given and hope that more will come.

Please forgive me if I am angry, bitter and hopeless at times.

And when my CD child is born, I hope everyone will celebrate with me.

So I should warn you-this is not going to be a happy watch me fly kind of posting because today I am running around like a chicken with my head caught off trying to manage the millions of aspects of being a musician, performer, professor, record label, entrepreneur etc etc. After spending all morning on teh phone trying to figure out if mechanical rights need to be gotten for specific editions of a work, or just the original work, and then through some convoluted channel finally getting a human being on the phone. Applying for mechanical rights, fund raise, plan concerts, plan classes, order music, update my website, arrange lessons, teach lessons, send thank-yous for contributions and yes, write this blog, I suddenly realized that I could do this all day and NEVER play one note of the cello. So I sat down to practice and my mind was racing…thinking, “how great is this movement REALLY, maybe I should cut it, that is five minutes less, which means $91 less from my budget for mechanical rights, but then again, maybe I could raise that money since I have those friends back in Boston……. Then my over fed holiday belly starts hollering at me because I ate a FULL hour ago and have not had a cookie in a whole week, and my dog is looking at me, wondering when we will get that walk I promised her, my husband is pacing because he has been sick all week and wants to go to his studio. And I have now gotten approximately 15 minutes of cello under my fingers.
So, without further ado, please send me millions of dollars so that I can hire a manager and go practice.
Meanwhile. this is it for my silly blog entry. I WILL go practice now.

Dear friends, family and music patrons,

I hope that you are having a cheerful holiday season so far. I trust that
you all have a wonderful plans to be surrounded by friends, family and
festivities during this cold time of year.

As the end of this year approaches, I wanted to let you know how this year
went and give you a sneak peak at some exciting plans for 2010. Also, I
wanted to give you the opportunity for a 2009 Tax Deduction at the close
of this fiscal cycle, should you see the need for one, for the support of
the powerful and meaningful cause of bringing music into this world.

First, I would like to thank-you for your support in 2008 and those who
already gave in 2009. I achieved my fund raising goal and had a highly
successful year of performance and promotion. Among other activities was a
three week tour of Southeast Asia. As a soloist in Vietnam I connected to
the local culture, performing in the United States Embassy and local
schools, sharing the common language of music. In Thailand I worked with
young musicians and performed in Bangkok as a soloist. Video of my
performances will appear in a 2010 PBS documentary following our “Good
will and Friendship Tour of Southeast Asia”. I also printed and mailed 300
brochures to orchestras around the country.

In the summer 2010 I will be recording my first solo album, to be sold in
stores, online and on concert tours. This will greatly expand my impact,
visibility, and ability to thrive financially. Building on many successful
years of touring, and the music that I am uniquely gifted at performing,
I have decided to record a cd of songs and dances from around the world.
From the flamenco influenced Da Falla songs, to Tangos and English jigs, I
feel this would be both exciting to record, and appealing to a broad
audience of listeners.

Other big plans are that my husband Wes and I will be returning to our
Western Massachusetts home in the summer of 2010 to be nearer to family
and the support network of friends and fans. We have the goal of both
moving more full time into our artistic careers and this recording project
is a large step in this direction for me. While I have enjoyed academia,
in the end, aside from some part time teaching and gigging work, I would
like to commit the majority of my career energies towards the business and
performance of solo and chamber music.

I have included the information below for the recording project.

Warm regards,

Dr Rebecca Hartka

Total cost of cd production and promotion: $7,250

Current funds already raised: $1,500

Current funds needed: $5,750

I would be happy to send a detailed budget to those considering large
donations.

Levels of contribution:
$50-$75 A String Donor
$75-$100 D String Donor
$100-$150 G String Donor Free ticket to cd release tour
$150-$200 C String Donor Free ticket to cd release tour
$200-$500 Cello Tail-Piece Donor Free ticket to cd release tour
$500-$1,000 Cello Bridge Donor I will send you a cd after the first
pressing *
$1,000-$2,500 Sonata Donor Free digital downloads *
$2,500-$5,000 Concerto Donor I will include your name on the cd, if you
desire *
$5,000 and above Diva Donor I will perform a concert for your friends and
family on my cd release tour, if you desire. * * In
addition to the gift listed you will receive any thank-you gifts listed on
levels below.

The Montana Arts organization has extended Fiscal Sponsorship for another
year to support this project, so that I can accept tax deductible
donations using their 501(c) 3 status. They also formalize the process by
collecting receipts for expenses, and offering assurance that the money is
used for express purposes of the stated project. In order to take
advantage of tax deduction, checks need to be made out to Montana Arts,
with my name in the memo.

If you have any questions please feel free to call John Barsness (406)
585-9551. Their address is:

Montana Arts
PO Box 1872
Bozeman, MT 59771-1872

Please let me know if you would like to be removed from my email list.

I can enter into interesting worlds when exhausted. The air vibrates after getting off a plane, and the sparkling frost on the mountains in the moonlight has an extra aura when looked at through blurry vision. I noticed a Montana smell when arriving in Bozeman this morning. A fresh crisp air that reminds me of a good gin and tonic. I have decided that the land here is masculine and back east feminine. The lush green and abundance of fruits and vegetables are a wonderful gift from the land in New England, and the winter an understandable rest from such productivity. Here the land always beckons you to challenge your limits, to strive for a higher goal, and to hold onto enduring strength and courage in the face of harsh early frosts and snows, unpredictable and dramatic weather changes, and a searing bright sun.

I was speaking with a Montanan on the way back from NY, and she asked me if living in Bozeman had changed my sound. I think it has. There is a certain expansiveness that was not there before, and a poise. Montanans are never rushed, and I am learning how to stay rhythmically centered after years of pushing forward, rat race style.

A word about Brahms: he is my favorite composer without a doubt, and having just played with someone who shares this feeling, I think I found heaven. The depth of his emotional world reminds of the best wine I ever drank. On the first sip there was an immediate fullness, that continued to evolve into a multiplicity of tastes and sensations in the mouth of heat, sweetness, spice and at last a smooth surrender that shows a wisdom that only an old wine can know. A grape, crushed in it’s prime, trapped in a bottle, fighting the rot of time with natural preservatives, produces a wise and complex drink. Brahms takes you into the world of passion and wisdom, embracing the pain and joy alike to reach a place of serenity and wisdom. What a man!

I stitch together
these broken pieces of my heart
one solitary loop at a time
shattered shreds of happiness
into bundles of joy

I search behind the sofa for my soul
I fold together two single socks

I feel such a gratitude for the brokenness
for the gallons of tears and moments
of timeless despair
with the drip drop of the faucet

What did my wandering muse find in the dusty closet
waiting for the drapes to be thrown aside?
what haunting shade of amber
did the color of my longing turn?
a lifeless creature encased in hopeless pride

In gratitude I know no other words to say
but that broken pieces never really go away
gain richness in their seeking home
and in returning
bless me with the gift of song

Tonight marks a record in my performance career. Tonight I played for the largest audience to date. I will have to check for the numbers later, but it was probably 4,000 people. In a stadium, miked, with big flood lights. All the deans and other big wigs of the school sat behind us on stage, and Steve Lopez, LA journalist talked about his friendship with Anthony Ayers.

It was an interesting experience, to say the least. Beethoven was requested, and so I played Ode to Joy from Beethoven’s 9th symphony arranged for two cellos. For the processional of the deans four of my students and I played a pavan.

The ode to joy sort of annoyed me, but when I began playing it, I thought it reflected the book well, a homeless man playing fragments of Beethoven symphonies for people on the streets.

Truthfully I think this is the only convocation that I have ever attended. Like all school ceremonies it was long.

But Steve Lopez spoke well, unliek me right now exhausted and ready for bed. But I wanted to write about it while it was fresh in my mind.

This is the last week of summer. Cherries and pesto and long hikes mark my days. In two weeks I will be performing for a large convocation in an enormous stadium with mikes, along side of four students of mine.

The critically acclaimed LA Times columnist and author of The Soloist, Steve Lopez will deliver the keynote presentation for the 2009 Freshman Convocation. Because the character from the book played the cello, it was requested that cellists be featured for the event.
To read more about convocation check out this website.
http://www.montana.edu/convocation/

That should be very fun!

Well, I spent the last several weeks recovering from a fun and wild time in Baroque land in Boston. Fantastic coaches, players and performances, and lots of new information. But…..I have to admit that I dearly missed my modern set up, and while I think I did ok as a Baroque cellist, I think the power, directness and clarity of steel strings suites my nature more.

But I am proud of myself for having the courage to be less than glamorous sounding for a whole 9 day!

Thanks IBIL